My Wife Asked for a Separation



This is an issue I hear more and more. I wrote a very popular article about what to do if your wife asks you to leave, and because I have been told by many men that they have found it helpful, I am using that that article as a foundation for this one.

So, here goes.
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Generally, for spiritual reasons, I recommend that you not be the one who initiates the separation.
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If the other person moves out or files for divorce, it is still a free country, as the expression goes. But if you make the first move, then you have the guilt of it. Generally divorce is not a good thing and a separation is often a softened way of making the contemplated divorce easier to get started. So initiating it puts a burden of guilt on you. This advice applies to both husband or wife.

There is the situation where the other person is drug addict, criminal, or abusive person. Of course, you have to protect yourself and the children. You might have to get the help of the authorities. If your wife is a drug addict, abusive or a criminal, then were she to leave, as long as you get the kids, it could be a blessing. If she takes the kids then that is not good at all. 

If you are a good guy, but you are getting over some issues you have not quite put completely behind you, then the separation could be good, if she is giving you a chance to clean up your act.


But in this post, I'm addressing the more typical situation where both husband and wife are decent, good people.
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When both are good people, it is best not to separate. It is best to stay together and work things out.

The statistics show that when there is a separation, in the majority of cases it leads to divorce. Or it leads to a a permanent separation where they never get back together again.

Most people who separate do not get back together again.

So, do you want a divorce? If not, you can see that (with exceptions) separation means that the marriage will be over. So you are better off staying together, working things out, and that way you have the best chance of salvaging the marriage.

If there are kids, that is all the more reason why you should seek to remain together under one roof. If one of you moves out, most of the time the kids end up with the mom. You will be out of their life, except for weekly visits or occasional two weeks at your place in the summer. You will be not there for them every day any more. Your influence over what goes on will become nil. But undoubtedly you will be paying alimony and child support.

Remember, all of this is predicated and based on your being a decent good guy. Clean, sober, faithful, working, honest, kind, and honorable.

So if you--with all your heart--want to work things out, be there for the kids and avoid divorce, then don't be the one to leave.

Do what you can to make your home happy.  You should be able to be calm and not argue. If you, for some reason, you don't have a job, get one right away even if it is not perfect. Dress nicely, act politely, take out the garbage, make repairs around the home, help the kids with their homework. Cook dinner sometimes, care for the kids, and don't say anything mean about her family or friends. This is strategy, but it has to be sincere, for a long term benefit to all--to really and truly work things out and one day celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary with loving kids and grand kids attending. Okay?

So if there was ever a time for you to give it your best, now is the time. Giving it your all in a basketball game is useless. Give it your all for the sake of your wife and kids. Giving it your all, demonstrating virtue, forbearance, long suffering, grace under fire, honor, gentleness, courage, and a steady hand will be for a good cause--to save you marriage and to be there for your kids. Get your ego out of the way and do your duty. Please, no begging or emotional displays. Exercise self control and discipline.

You are a man, no longer a child. If you wife is confused, then you must be calm, reasonable, and wise. If your wife is unhappy or upset, that is all the more reason for you to stay by her side. 

Remember, just because she says something does not mean that she really means it in her heart of hearts. And even if she does mean it, it might be better to be strategically hard of hearing and just go about your business. She might change her mind.


But if the other side is determined to move out or divorce, let them be the first to make the fateful move. You will then know that you did not initiate it and won't have that hanging around your neck as the years go by.

If the other person does not want to divorce, but just needs some space, because you are both irritating each other and arguing a lot and making things worse, then maybe a separation is not a bad idea. You can have some space and maybe at the same time go to counseling together. You can have some space and see each other for a date, and hopefully rekindle your love.

But just remember, the statistics speak for themselves. Separation usually leads to divorce.  Separate bedrooms is much better than separation.

Are there any cooler heads that might prevail--like a pastor's wife, or a wise aunt or uncle, someone in her family who is not against you and who sees the wisdom of staying together and patching things up? If there is someone like that, then get your ego out of the way and ask for help. Remember--you are seeking to do the right thing for all.  With reason, calmness and wisdom, you are seeing to weather the storm.


Now a special word for men:

I cannot advise about any legal issues. Also, every circumstance is different, but I can speak in generalities. For spiritual, emotional, and strategic reasons it is not good for the husband to leave first.

Why is it generally not good for the husband to leave first?

In the mind of the wife, he made the first move and left her. She may have teased him and tempted him to leave first (secretly in her heart of hearts she may have hoped he would not leave her), but, after all, he did not have to leave. But he did. She may have even asked him to leave, but people say a lot of things when they are angry. Sometimes they are later sorry it was said--but if you threw some items in your suitcase or duffel bag and slammed the door leaving her and the kids behind--you made a big strategic mistake.

When the man leaves, it means that he walked out. Worse yet, in the eyes of the children, it means that father left them. Roberto Duran, though one of the greatest boxers in history, will never live down being a quitter when he said "no mas" in his fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. A dad who leaves has made a bad move. His family will never forget that he moved out on them.

The wife has the advantage now in every respect. She did not leave him. He moved out on her and left the kids.

You see, husband (and father) has a very special role. He holds a station in life. He holds the office of husband and if there are kids, the office of father.

In the eyes of children, father stands in for God. Can you see why it is so devastating when a father fails?

Husband and father is supposed to be like the George Washington or Moses of the family. He stands for what is right. He cannot have any vices. He must be principled, honorable, wise, patient, long suffering, and kind.
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He has to be as steady as the ticking of a grandfather clock in a thunderstorm. If others fail him, he does not fail them. If others become upset, he remains calm and reasonable.

In my book Putting the Forever Back in Love, I have a chapter entitled Coach Roland Talks to Dads. I advise husbands and dads to stay the course. If the wife creates an emotional scene, asks him to leave, threatens divorce and so on - he should just sit in the living room, if need be, and watch television. Let the storm pass. Don't go even go to the gym. Just sit there and let the storm pass. When it does, everyone will be glad that you were steady, calm, and did not over-react. 

Most dads are a little weak. They say the right things, but say them too weakly. He must not be there to win a popularity contest. He has to stand for what is right and persist even in the face of rebellion. But he must not be angry. He must always have a twinkle in his eye.

Many men clam up, but are angry and resentful underneath. When they do finally speak up, their message is tainted and ruined by the pent up anger. Feeling guilty, he may clam up again or sit on the sidelines while the family goes to ruin.

.A man simply can't avoid his duty without harming the family. That is why he must learn to stand for what is right with patience and firmness and kindness.

He has to be there for his wife and children. They need a very special love from him: emotionless agape love. A man cannot have this love if he is selfish or unprincipled. Nor can he have this love for them if he is a womanizer or tries to make his wife into his mother. He must not look for ego support from the world. He must look within and find a bond with what he knows in his heart.

He will then not need love. He will give love. He must love principle more than anything, even his wife.
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But if you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is the man she can trust. She knows he will always be there for her and she knows he will never be unfaithful (because he does not need the love of a woman, a drug, or some worldly support). This is the man she can respect and perhaps even love.

Now, gentlemen, most wives are aware of their husband's weaknesses before they get married, but she hopes that he will become the noble knight she needs. And once within the confines of marriage, the nobly inclined man will become aware of his failing her in some mysterious way.
.He will search his heart and out of true love for her and the children, he will see what they need from him. He will learn to be less selfish, and eventually one day, unselfish. He will begin to fail less, and one day not fail at all.

She will see his nobility, his heart felt efforts, and his love of principle. With this man, there is hope.

Of course, there are some women who will not take kindly to his new inner authority, and she will most likely resent him even when he is right. If she is a permanent hater, then she will make his life as miserable as possible. If he remains noble, she will probably go off to find someone else. If this happens, so be it.

But you cannot know what is in your wife's heart until you straighten up and fly right. Only then might your noble love draw forth the good in her.
.Many women have been so used and unloved that they cannot imagine or believe that a man can be noble. She may test him and give him a hard time for years (or decades). If he is tested and not found wanting, he will win her heart. They will become very good friends and live happily ever after.

As I said, most men are weak (or weak and violent). Their weakness literally tempts the wife and kids to rebel. So if you have been weak or selfish, before looking at other's wrong, first look at your own. See your part in what has gone wrong and repent of it.

Many wives had a father who was not there for her. She resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What she got was use and abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Since all men failed her, she expects that her husband will too (though a good woman will hope her husband won't fail her).

Perhaps you can see why the man needs to have the wisdom of Solomon and perfect self control. All men have failed, but that is not an excuse for more failing. You must find the way to fail less.
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I cannot say what to do in any particular circumstance. There are just too many particular situations. But I can speak in general terms.
.Generally divorce is not a good thing. Sometimes a separation may be of some help, so that both sides can find themselves and get their bearings, but maybe not.
.Please note that my comments are directed to the typical situation where both are good people, not perfect of course, but decent. If your spouse is extremely disturbed, violent or criminal, you will need to protect the children and get professional help and assistance from the authorities.
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If there is a divorce, it is best not to begin the process yourself. If your wife divorces you, you will then not be guilty for having begun it.

If you have only been married for a short time, things might be worked out, but if there is not true marriage, then going your separate ways may be best.

But when there are children, everything changes. Now the man is both husband and father.

I recently heard a man tell about his father who he loved deeply. His mom was not a nice lady and she made a lot of trouble. He stayed there for the children and was a good father to them. He suffered for decades, but never hated his wife and never complained. The children loved him dearly.

You see, the children were aware of his suffering. They saw his sacrifice and nobility. And they loved him all the more. It didn't matter what mom did. Father was there for them.

But if he had walked out on her and them, what would be foremost in their minds would not be what mom did, but what he did. He would have quit on them. Thank God he did not.
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Dear Sir,
I know that marriage can be a severe test. But just as there can be no courage without danger, so likewise there can be no character without a test of that character. A final word. Sometimes we do the right thing by simply not doing the wrong thing. Someone can tempt you to do something wrong or foolish. Just don't do it and you are safe. Always do what you know is right in your heart.

I've always told men--if you have an argument with your wife--whatever you do, don't walk out. Walking out means something to a woman. Just go sit in the living room and watch television or read a book. Let the storm blow over.




"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
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The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


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Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 


Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

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Are Divorced People Happier? Not Necessarily, According to this Fascinating Study



Does divorce typically make adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage? Many Americans assume so. "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" represents the first serious effort to investigate this assumption empirically. The finding? Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Here are links to the executive summary of the study at The Institute for American Values. It is short and easy to read and I encourage every person who is considering divorce to read it.

You can read it online or read the pdf.

For review purposes and to show you how interesting and important the study is, here are just a couple of the findings

 
  • Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
  • Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
  • The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
  • Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.[2]
  • Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later. 

Please take time to read the whole report. Thank you so much Institute for Family Values



After you read the report and thank The Institute for American Values,  please check out my relationship books.


 


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com
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Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


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Now available in Kindle!

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Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback 

Click here to preview in Kindle!

 

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Got a budget? For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.  
 



Want it in eBook and save money too?   For a donation of any amount, receive one of Roland's relationships eBooks free as a token of our appreciation.